Remembering to Listen

I spruced up the living room this week!

 
       The past few years have been full of some pretty extreme ups and downs for me. Just since getting pregnant two years ago, I lost my best friend and my studio space, moved into my new one, brought my husband on full time, had a baby, experienced a chronic injury and doubled my business. Can you say stress?
   Having a baby changes you so much, and I feel like I only had a few minutes to enjoy it before I was back into a pretty grueling work schedule over the summer. There have been a lot of tears over the last year. Trying to keep up with the day to day can be so overwhelming for a new mom. Figuring out how to juggle baby sleep schedules, teething, breastfeeding, developmental changes, new roles in your marriage, changes to your personal identity, a new body, and on and on and on. Its an emotional roller coaster even without a 60 plus hour work week.

We went out to dinner! Bonus of early bed time, we can go out on Friday night and still have the place to ourselves.

   I am so hard on myself naturally, and there has been this insane sense of pressure (see my last entry) to cram everything into this neat, little tidy package that would somehow constitute a "normal life". News flash, Heather, "your life is not normal." All this cramming and conforming and pressure and stress has been taking its toll, and honestly, making me a bit depressed. I haven't been coping very well as of late.

     It occurred to me  that I have stopped listening to myself on many levels, creatively, spiritually, and physically, I just shoved all the signals down in the name of work and obligation. In reality, yes there are times when I will not have so many choices, but do i really need to stuff down my inner voice at all times? Probably not.

   My mission right now is to listen and act, no matter what. Practice makes perfect! That means if I feel that I need to stay home with the baby in my bathrobe, that is what I am going to do. If I want to take my family out to dinner instead of working late, that is what I am going to do. If I am on a roll in the studio and feel the need to work an 80 hour week, then THAT is what I am going to do. I am hearkening back to the good old days when I took really great care of myself. And now that I am finally pain free, maybe I will even start using that gym membership I have been paying for.

C spent a few days not feeling so well this week, I got a lot of housecleaning done. Babywearing is the answer!

Since making this new promise to myself, the baby got sick for the first time, and cut another tooth, so it has been a good week to get practice staying home in the mornings to work from home and slowing down a little. I even went to the bookstore, got a giant cup of coffee, curled up with a pile of design mags and brought home some new source books - all by myself!!!!! Its been so long since I did that - I can't even remember when it was!

   I have joked quite a few times about getting a tattoo on my wrist that reads, "remember."  It may be time to seriously revisit that idea. Momma's should really be the first on the list sometimes.

I made the Right Choice

   I have been in a place of gratitude lately. It has been so nice to wind down from the busy summer, at least emotionally and spiritually, to let go a little.
   As I sit here in my newly minted office/playroom/nursery on the back of the studio in a rare quiet moment with no husband, baby or customers, the theme I have been reflecting upon for the past week or so keeps coming up. "I made the right choice." This has become my mantra.
    On Facebook this morning, a friend of mine from high school posted an article, http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/
and was expressing some sadness over the judgement she feels for making the choice to stay home with her
 daughter - she also started her own photography business when she left her "job." It brought to the surface what I have been thinking about a lot lately, that we judge each other so harshly, especially women, when we should be happy when someone we know is strong enough to make bold choices that she feels are best for herself and her family.  It is heartbreaking when someone you think of as a loved one or friend shows a lack of respect for your choices.

my loves the first day of production after we rearranged

      It has taken some therapy and a lot of time, but I have decided that I am not going to apologize for my own choices anymore. When I met Mike, my life changed significantly. I never had someone to love and protect before, not the way I love him. I gained this big sense of responsibility, and took our relationship very seriously from the very beginning. Once we were married and  started preparing to open our lives to the possibility of a baby, that sense of responsibility grew. We changed our diet, I started on a spiritual journey that has become more clear now that I am a Mom,my work week became shorter and more concentrated, we changed our lifestyle, Mike came to work with me, some people have left the circle. Things have changed so much for us over the past 3 years, not all of it has been easy, but it all has been for the better.

my new desk

    My blessing is my family. I do, every day, what I have to do to love, protect, nourish, feed and house my boys. I have made sacrifices. I have made mistakes. I have, at times, suffered. My husband, myself and my child are healthy. We have a clean, simple and extremely busy lifestyle that grows richer with each day.
       I don't get much time to myself or to have a social life, being "Mom, Wife, Boss" leaves little else if I want to do at least 2 out of 3 well each day. I don't have time to make apologies any more. I am confident now that I have made the right choices - to take care of what is important. If you don't like it....... well, I feel sorry for you.  Our lifestyle may be different, or maybe you can't grasp the concepts of change and growth, or respect that I want to do what is best for myself and my family. I hope one day, you can find a more open place in your heart.

The nursery coming together

   I am so thankful that I can work to provide for my family while being with them all day. The new room  is going to see us through for many years to come and help us function better as a business and as a family. It is already giving me some much needed reflective time over coffee in the mornings, watching over my baby that is free to roam in a safe place to play, a dark quiet place for all of us to take naps and express ourselves privately.  Mike and I have been finding joy at work again, rearranging and collaborating, finding more of what works and getting rid of what doesn't. It feels good to make choices, and even better to know they are the right ones.
 
 

A Typical Day

Nap time at work

  
 I thought it might be interesting for me to share how a typical day goes for us now that Caleb is an integral part of the routine at work. Specific times fluctuate a bit day to day, as we have what I would call, a "structured routine" more than an exact schedule. The babe does better when he knows what to expect and in what order, and so do we. We have a happy baby and a very busy life - 4 businesses, 6 days a week!
    I would  like to point out that we practice baby wearing. Caleb rides along for a few hours each day, sometimes we use it to salvage nap time if he has trouble getting to sleep, but we also just do it because of all of the great benefits.  Carried babies sleep better, cry 50% less, experience more, get a head start on language and social skills, securely bond with their caregivers and it helps us get things accomplished during the day.

babywearing at home

I am looking forward to delivery of a carrier that will help me to wear him on my back, as he is getting so big he slows me down a bit being on the front and having to reach around him. I wear him to do all sorts of things, we go out to eat, to the grocery store, walk the dogs, art openings, the kid gets around, and I can keep living! I have become a bit of a fanatic and am beginning to hoard carriers, but I guess I can think of worse things.

The beginnings of the work nursery

                     We also set up Caleb's area more like a real nursery this week. Our backs were killing us from bending over the pack & play, and he wasn't sleeping as well now that he is getting a little older. I ordered a crib and a mobile, and put curtains on the screens so that people would stop barging in on his naps.  So far its working beautifully. 
                                                           A Typical Day
   6:00 -Up with Babe, I start the coffee and get him dressed
   6:40 - Nap Time! Mike and I split off - he goes downstairs to the studio, and I either head upstairs to my office or run out the door to the studio. (Morning nap time is our most productive time of day and we get some much needed alone time too - BONUS!)
  9:30 - Babe is up! Give him a bottle and hop over to the studio. (with Mike, me, or both of us)
  10:15 - a little story time , and then its off to sleep again for Caleb - usually whoever brings him to work gets this one.
  10:30 Race to get as much done as possible! If I have an assistant that day, she will roll slabs while I make bowls, or maybe load kilns and wedge clay while I sit at my table working on textures, or help me with a photo shoot. Mike generally does shipping and computer work during this time.
  12:30 Lunch! Nurse Caleb, eat a snack, sing songs and play. We may strap him into a carrier and walk to the coffee shop.
  1:30 Caleb is back down for another nap - and I race to get more accomplished! tiles, tiles, more tiles! Mike runs errands, assistants finishes up their day.
  3:30 - 4:00 Caleb is up! On days that I come in early, I sometimes opt to take him home after he eats. We go on a walk and play before bed time, which is amazing and wonderful, and my favorite time with him. Other days, we may play and stay for one more nap cycle so that I can get more work done if I need to.
   4:30 Nap time!
6:30 Nurse and run on home.

A sweet moment at work

    As Caleb gets bigger, obviously his needs change as far as wake and nap times and activities, but so far we are doing well. I am really blessed to be able to bring him to work and have Mike there every day to help. I am not going to say that this is easy, but its worth it.  This schedule is actually a few weeks old and we are currently in the midst of going from a 3 to 4 hour cycle, so he is awake more and more, but he is now sleeping through the night!
      We work as a team and try to find ways to adapt so that all of our individual needs are met.