Toddler Schedules and Daydreams

   We are daydreaming a lot lately, of creating a more permanent home and moving the studio there. The stress of operating a retail space and the back and forths and restrictions of doing it with a kid in tow gets to us. The extra rent doesn't help either. I am not gonna lie, its not easy. We get overwhelmed. and tired.

Caleb "helping" me in the herb garden 

   The reality is that we have 3 more years on our lease, and sometime soon, will start trying for another baby. With those things in mind, I have to start adjusting, make peace, and take a deep breath.
   With a rambunctious 18 month old, a work day is full of interruptions. I am about half as productive as I used to be, and our lives are full of his wonderful messes and our half finished work. The stress bubbles to the surface quicker when you are tired and stretched to thin, so I am just checking in and turning more focus on what is best for Caleb and us versus the business at this point. Making room for all of us so that when we add one more, we have already carved out some room.

Painting with edible finger paints I made. 

    Tuning into Caleb and what he needs has helped me along in this process of slowing down. He needs a bit more focused time & attention from us throughout the day, more activity and engagement. I try really hard to rotate activities for him to do independently, and have now started to introduce things as a "together" activity and then let him explore things independently over a few days. This helps, but also, I am making it a more concrete schedule - more for our benefit than his - so that we look at making room in the day for toddler time as a non negotiable instead of getting swept up in the stress of the day. He does so much better when we are "tuned in" and 100% in the parenting game through our typical days, I am always so surprised how easily it can get lost and how much I have to check us back in and get everything back in line.
    The best weapon I have is to go through my pinterest and pick a few activities for the week and set them up on Monday night so they are ready. This has resulted in some weird rainbow colored projects left forgotten in the fridge, but for the most part, it works well and helps me stay focused on being "Mom" even when we are at work. I can set him up in the high chair next to me with some homemade playdoh, or set him loose in his play yard with a bin full of rainbow colored spaghetti, or introduce stickers with pictures of his favorite animals.

I make popsicles with extra green smoothies from breakfast, they keep him busy for about 30 minutes.

    We split his time now with the independent activities and then at least one period of physical activity with one of us - play ball, go on a walk, blow bubbles, that kind of thing - which as my wise mother pointed out - wears him out and ensures a better nap - which is when we get the most done.
   The schedule I have made up is below. Mike and I are a solid team, and it is a rotation, so that one of us gets a half day of no interruptions, Caleb gets some quality time every morning, and during his morning nap, the person at home can get some personal things taken care of - or in my case yoga and dreaded computer work.

Caleb's Day

 7:30 Nurse, Wake up, get ready for the day
 8:15 play independently
 8:30 activity: go on a walk, out to breakfast, yoga with mommy, play in the garden
 9:00 Breakfast
 9:30 - 11:30 Nap
12:00 Go to work
12:30 Lunch time with parent that has been at work all morning
1:00 activity with above parent
1:30 independent play
2:30 - 4:30(or 5) Nap
4:30 snack
4:45 independent play
5:00 home with parent that came to work first
5:30 playtime/activity
6:00 dinner
6:30 bath, bed time routine
7:00 bed


    This makes my work schedule as follows: (in theory)

Tues/Thurs                                                                                         
AM- home with Caleb                                            
yoga or walk with Caleb                                
9:30-11:30 Nap time Office work                                      
12:00 -8:00  studio                                                                  
8:00 home

 Wed/fri   
8:00 - 12:00 Studio Heaven
12:00 - 1:00 lunch & activity with Caleb
1:00 - 5:00 Studio
5:00 home with Caleb

Saturday
9:00 everybody to work
5:00 Family Date

Remembering to Listen

I spruced up the living room this week!

 
       The past few years have been full of some pretty extreme ups and downs for me. Just since getting pregnant two years ago, I lost my best friend and my studio space, moved into my new one, brought my husband on full time, had a baby, experienced a chronic injury and doubled my business. Can you say stress?
   Having a baby changes you so much, and I feel like I only had a few minutes to enjoy it before I was back into a pretty grueling work schedule over the summer. There have been a lot of tears over the last year. Trying to keep up with the day to day can be so overwhelming for a new mom. Figuring out how to juggle baby sleep schedules, teething, breastfeeding, developmental changes, new roles in your marriage, changes to your personal identity, a new body, and on and on and on. Its an emotional roller coaster even without a 60 plus hour work week.

We went out to dinner! Bonus of early bed time, we can go out on Friday night and still have the place to ourselves.

   I am so hard on myself naturally, and there has been this insane sense of pressure (see my last entry) to cram everything into this neat, little tidy package that would somehow constitute a "normal life". News flash, Heather, "your life is not normal." All this cramming and conforming and pressure and stress has been taking its toll, and honestly, making me a bit depressed. I haven't been coping very well as of late.

     It occurred to me  that I have stopped listening to myself on many levels, creatively, spiritually, and physically, I just shoved all the signals down in the name of work and obligation. In reality, yes there are times when I will not have so many choices, but do i really need to stuff down my inner voice at all times? Probably not.

   My mission right now is to listen and act, no matter what. Practice makes perfect! That means if I feel that I need to stay home with the baby in my bathrobe, that is what I am going to do. If I want to take my family out to dinner instead of working late, that is what I am going to do. If I am on a roll in the studio and feel the need to work an 80 hour week, then THAT is what I am going to do. I am hearkening back to the good old days when I took really great care of myself. And now that I am finally pain free, maybe I will even start using that gym membership I have been paying for.

C spent a few days not feeling so well this week, I got a lot of housecleaning done. Babywearing is the answer!

Since making this new promise to myself, the baby got sick for the first time, and cut another tooth, so it has been a good week to get practice staying home in the mornings to work from home and slowing down a little. I even went to the bookstore, got a giant cup of coffee, curled up with a pile of design mags and brought home some new source books - all by myself!!!!! Its been so long since I did that - I can't even remember when it was!

   I have joked quite a few times about getting a tattoo on my wrist that reads, "remember."  It may be time to seriously revisit that idea. Momma's should really be the first on the list sometimes.

Tales of a 5 day work week

  Things are hectic right now. Its that push as the slowness of winter lets up, always a surprise for some reason.
    This year, I committed to a 5 day work week-at least when possible - this is a first for me since starting my business 7 years ago. Deadlines and the nature of ceramic work can push me hard at times, and make this impossible, but that is just the reality of owning my own business. I am doing my best to honor the commitment to having a weekend, for myself and my family. It gives us much needed leisure time together, and time for Mike and I to just be married people with a baby, since our work days are double duty. A 12 hour work day when you are also parenting is challenging and will burn you out quickly, and lets face it, I am not getting any younger. A 12 hour work day, even without a baby, has gotten more challenging in the past few years.

Reading to C at a few weeks old

   The shift to having a weekend, plus C's current schedule, is leaving me both rested and deflated. On the one hand, the beginning of the week starts out awesome. Tuesdays are great, I bounce in to work ready to take on the world, but by the time I get half way through the week, I really miss my baby. The weekend taking has made it so I have to cram all 60 of my work hours into this neat little 5 day package, and you see, I hate missing bed time. Its the worst.  This has come up for me at various times over the past year, its gotten a little easier to keep working and not think about it - I used to sit at my work table and cry after Mike took him home - actually, I'm crying right now just thinking about it - breaks my heart that it has to be this way.  Last night, I kept him in the bed with me, just to make up for all the goodnights I miss. To smell his shampoo and hold him close.
    There is always going to be a trade off. I am so lucky to be able to keep him with me every day and still have my career, but it hasn't been without sacrifice and I couldn't do it without the unwavering support of my husband, who takes over those bed time duties 5 nights a week so that I can stay and work. I know that this schedule will change, his bed time will move to a little later again at some point, that there will be slow times and vacations when I don't have to miss a thing....... Being a Momma sure does break your heart a lot, in lots of little ways.
    For now, I am doing my best to adjust, to soak in the days I get to stay at home, and know that its a good trade I am making.

 

I made the Right Choice

   I have been in a place of gratitude lately. It has been so nice to wind down from the busy summer, at least emotionally and spiritually, to let go a little.
   As I sit here in my newly minted office/playroom/nursery on the back of the studio in a rare quiet moment with no husband, baby or customers, the theme I have been reflecting upon for the past week or so keeps coming up. "I made the right choice." This has become my mantra.
    On Facebook this morning, a friend of mine from high school posted an article, http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/
and was expressing some sadness over the judgement she feels for making the choice to stay home with her
 daughter - she also started her own photography business when she left her "job." It brought to the surface what I have been thinking about a lot lately, that we judge each other so harshly, especially women, when we should be happy when someone we know is strong enough to make bold choices that she feels are best for herself and her family.  It is heartbreaking when someone you think of as a loved one or friend shows a lack of respect for your choices.

my loves the first day of production after we rearranged

      It has taken some therapy and a lot of time, but I have decided that I am not going to apologize for my own choices anymore. When I met Mike, my life changed significantly. I never had someone to love and protect before, not the way I love him. I gained this big sense of responsibility, and took our relationship very seriously from the very beginning. Once we were married and  started preparing to open our lives to the possibility of a baby, that sense of responsibility grew. We changed our diet, I started on a spiritual journey that has become more clear now that I am a Mom,my work week became shorter and more concentrated, we changed our lifestyle, Mike came to work with me, some people have left the circle. Things have changed so much for us over the past 3 years, not all of it has been easy, but it all has been for the better.

my new desk

    My blessing is my family. I do, every day, what I have to do to love, protect, nourish, feed and house my boys. I have made sacrifices. I have made mistakes. I have, at times, suffered. My husband, myself and my child are healthy. We have a clean, simple and extremely busy lifestyle that grows richer with each day.
       I don't get much time to myself or to have a social life, being "Mom, Wife, Boss" leaves little else if I want to do at least 2 out of 3 well each day. I don't have time to make apologies any more. I am confident now that I have made the right choices - to take care of what is important. If you don't like it....... well, I feel sorry for you.  Our lifestyle may be different, or maybe you can't grasp the concepts of change and growth, or respect that I want to do what is best for myself and my family. I hope one day, you can find a more open place in your heart.

The nursery coming together

   I am so thankful that I can work to provide for my family while being with them all day. The new room  is going to see us through for many years to come and help us function better as a business and as a family. It is already giving me some much needed reflective time over coffee in the mornings, watching over my baby that is free to roam in a safe place to play, a dark quiet place for all of us to take naps and express ourselves privately.  Mike and I have been finding joy at work again, rearranging and collaborating, finding more of what works and getting rid of what doesn't. It feels good to make choices, and even better to know they are the right ones.
 
 

Facing the Inevitable

My heart times 2.

   Here I sit. Its 9 p.m., I just got home from a 13 hour day, I am hooked to the dreaded breast pump, eating dinner and facing what I have put off for as long as I can. No matter how hard I try, I will not be able to be home every night to put Caleb to bed.
   As the sweetness of his first few months of life come to a close, and he is a little more self sufficient, I am becoming buried with work. We just got two huge jobs, totalling about 900 pieces, which is great, it really is, but it means that for the next 4 months, there will be many, many nights like tonight.
   I am so blessed to have this life, I can have him at work, stop to take a walk or read a story any time I want,  plop him down in his chair next to me while I make work. I have an amazing husband to help all day, every day. But there is nothing- nothing- that could prepare me for what I am feeling now. This conflict, this heartbreak, it's something I thought I could somehow escape.
    How could I know how heavy the burden of being financially responsible for my family would be once Caleb arrived. How huge the responsibility would feel on top of my typical Type A drive once the babies started coming. We need health insurance and bigger cars, and vacations so we can just be together as a family, nutritious food, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, money for the future. On top of the financial pressure, I want to be there for my baby, to be the very best, most present mom I can be. I don't know if I can be both simultaneously. I want to be there for every second, change every dirty diaper, wipe away every tear, tuck him into every nap, give him every bath, be there for every little laugh.
   How do I reconcile this role of provider with my role as a mother? I must sit in that studio and make 900 tiles and keep the business going and growing, there is no choice there. When you are providing for your family and someone offers you a paycheck for 4 months, you have to take it. 
   We are taking 12 days off together as a family, a much needed break, and one I anticipated while Caleb was still in my belly. It has been a long 4 months. I had almost no maternity leave (less than 4 weeks), and the first 2 months were such a giant adjustment for us as a couple and as business partners. I fulfilled my lifelong dream of becoming a mother and discovered that even though it is by far the most challenging thing I have ever done, I can't wait to do it again. I finally found the meaning of this insane journey - it gave me a way to have and support my family.
   Off I go, to slip into bed, nurse my little one and toss and turn all night with worry. To start again tomorrow, dreaming of our little vacation, when for almost two weeks, I get to finally feel what its like to just be a mom and wife- away from the studio, away from the studio stroll, away from the dirty house the dogs, the need for a new car, the hospital bills, the taxes, the garden we have yet to plant . I am going to hang onto every second like its my last. I can't f**king wait.
   

A Typical Day

Nap time at work

  
 I thought it might be interesting for me to share how a typical day goes for us now that Caleb is an integral part of the routine at work. Specific times fluctuate a bit day to day, as we have what I would call, a "structured routine" more than an exact schedule. The babe does better when he knows what to expect and in what order, and so do we. We have a happy baby and a very busy life - 4 businesses, 6 days a week!
    I would  like to point out that we practice baby wearing. Caleb rides along for a few hours each day, sometimes we use it to salvage nap time if he has trouble getting to sleep, but we also just do it because of all of the great benefits.  Carried babies sleep better, cry 50% less, experience more, get a head start on language and social skills, securely bond with their caregivers and it helps us get things accomplished during the day.

babywearing at home

I am looking forward to delivery of a carrier that will help me to wear him on my back, as he is getting so big he slows me down a bit being on the front and having to reach around him. I wear him to do all sorts of things, we go out to eat, to the grocery store, walk the dogs, art openings, the kid gets around, and I can keep living! I have become a bit of a fanatic and am beginning to hoard carriers, but I guess I can think of worse things.

The beginnings of the work nursery

                     We also set up Caleb's area more like a real nursery this week. Our backs were killing us from bending over the pack & play, and he wasn't sleeping as well now that he is getting a little older. I ordered a crib and a mobile, and put curtains on the screens so that people would stop barging in on his naps.  So far its working beautifully. 
                                                           A Typical Day
   6:00 -Up with Babe, I start the coffee and get him dressed
   6:40 - Nap Time! Mike and I split off - he goes downstairs to the studio, and I either head upstairs to my office or run out the door to the studio. (Morning nap time is our most productive time of day and we get some much needed alone time too - BONUS!)
  9:30 - Babe is up! Give him a bottle and hop over to the studio. (with Mike, me, or both of us)
  10:15 - a little story time , and then its off to sleep again for Caleb - usually whoever brings him to work gets this one.
  10:30 Race to get as much done as possible! If I have an assistant that day, she will roll slabs while I make bowls, or maybe load kilns and wedge clay while I sit at my table working on textures, or help me with a photo shoot. Mike generally does shipping and computer work during this time.
  12:30 Lunch! Nurse Caleb, eat a snack, sing songs and play. We may strap him into a carrier and walk to the coffee shop.
  1:30 Caleb is back down for another nap - and I race to get more accomplished! tiles, tiles, more tiles! Mike runs errands, assistants finishes up their day.
  3:30 - 4:00 Caleb is up! On days that I come in early, I sometimes opt to take him home after he eats. We go on a walk and play before bed time, which is amazing and wonderful, and my favorite time with him. Other days, we may play and stay for one more nap cycle so that I can get more work done if I need to.
   4:30 Nap time!
6:30 Nurse and run on home.

A sweet moment at work

    As Caleb gets bigger, obviously his needs change as far as wake and nap times and activities, but so far we are doing well. I am really blessed to be able to bring him to work and have Mike there every day to help. I am not going to say that this is easy, but its worth it.  This schedule is actually a few weeks old and we are currently in the midst of going from a 3 to 4 hour cycle, so he is awake more and more, but he is now sleeping through the night!
      We work as a team and try to find ways to adapt so that all of our individual needs are met.
  

   

The New Era

  I have finally found that balance I have been searching for since starting this adventure 6 years ago. Funny that it took becoming a mother in order to find it.

The babe staring out the window on a cold, grey day

    I told a good friend the other day, "Motherhood is a great job for a workaholic." - as long as the new "work" becomes the baby, I guess. I love being a Mommy, even more than I have loved being a professional artist for the past 5 years. I find myself loving getting up at the crack of dawn and making the coffee with one hand, and I love reading novels to my baby to put him to bed at 7:30, when I used to be still at the work table chugging another cup of coffee getting ready for a long night. Changing diapers, being held prisoner for 6 hours a day breastfeeding, getting peed on. I am loving every minute.
      My workdays thus far have been 7-8 hours  (technically my planned Maternity leave ended when he turned 6 weeks two weeks ago, but I actually returned to the studio part time at 3 1/2 weeks postpartum  ). Which is amazing, and only happened for the first time during the last week or two of my pregnancy, when I was getting too tired and it was too difficult to plan any further into the future than a few hours.

Taking a little time out for a snuggle

    I am so thankful that my business is stable enough to allow me the time with my son. The workday now consists of sprints in between feedings, running to replace the binky, the occasional story time break and wearing him while I work, and must end in time to go home and get him ready for bed. We set up a pack & play, and have some baskets for now filled with blankets and burp cloths, story books and rattles, which will hold toys and other baby things soon enough. I have a feeling he will have a full on nursery outfitted in the studio soon! We are blessed with a full service building and bathrooms big enough to hold the changing table, and a kitchen fit to cook up a grilled cheese when he becomes a toddler. I think i am definitely making some tourists uncomfortable when they come in to the studio and I am breastfeeding on the couch, but, hey, they weren't there to buy anything anyways.....right?

Spending a little time with Dad

     
    Another exciting thing is that  I have hired a studio helper. I am hoping to maximize the time that I do have in the studio so that we can increase production and shorten lead times for our galleries and wholesale clients. It is my dream to have a studio exploding with work, gain the flexibility I need to make more new work and of course, have more family time. So far it has been great. Its a little frustrating training someone, but Mike is there, as always, to help lighten the load a little. ( I cannot put into words how amazing he is, as a business partner, father and husband. I seriously hit the man jackpot. I call him a unicorn!) She is able to do a little more independently than he can on the studio side, so now I have even more hands doing the work that doesn't necessarily require my own. There is a learning curve for me, scheduling my days in such a way that really takes advantage of every second, figuring out everything that I can delegate without compromise, and really grasping the concept of time management, but so far, its going well, if a lot slower than before baby. I think it will only get better as we go on.
    On a side note, we really don't spend all day snuggling the baby on the couch, but the pictures sure make it look that way!  We have posted some babywearing shots on the facebook page if you don;t believe me!